"Have mercy"

- John Stamos

Hey everybody! I was gone for a while fighting for the Danish Resistance in France. What they were doing in France, I don't know. Anyway, it was pretty cool, but I got beat up by this French dude who thought I was copping a feel on his dick, which I was. You know what they say about the French - they hate Americans. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. The real reason I'm coming to your computer screen tonight is to tell you about a new concert that's happening in August. You may have heard some rumors that the show is actually a benefit show for the Danish Resistance, but that's really just a rumor. The show is just a benefit for YOU - the person who will benefit by hearing this music. So anyway, here is the flyer with all the details. The phone number is wrong, but who cares?

So, I hope to see you at the show! If you see me there, bring a printed copy of this livejournal post and I'll give you a free Cümshottale*. See you at the show!

*While supplies last. Offer prohibited by law, not that I give a shit.

Date:	2003-04-04 20:17
Subject:	Long Livejournal Bullshit!
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Myrkscog - Utter Human Murder

Holy shit I'm back! In order to make the process of reading this, my latest Livejournal opus, easier, I will break it into small sections. Ok, number 1!

1. I just got back from Europe, did you? That's right, the old lady and I (just kidding Andrea!) went to Ireland and the UK and all that shit for most of March. Unfortunately, I had to spend a good part of it trying to avoid people finding out that I'm American due to George "Holy shit I'm an incompetent and bloodthirsty leader" Bush's "Operation Blow The Fuck Out Of Iraq." Aside from that, we had a blast, saw Aerogramme and STIFF LITTLE FINGERS live, drank ourselves silly, and spent a shitload of money. Whoops! Anyway, good stuff, eh?

2. Number 1 just made me think of how much I would love to punch George Bush Jr. in the throat.

3. THE ABSENCE is playing a show at the Brass Mug as a "Battle of the Bands" deal. 9 bands, $1000 in prizes, $600 going to 1st place. Needless to say, YOU, personally, need to be there. Get wasted and cheer really loud whether you like us or not. We'll win $600! Here's the details...

Please come out and support us! Really, that would be awesome.

4. That's about all I guess, so I'll leave you with a picture of a unicorn.

Date:	2003-02-11 21:03
Subject:	Wow, it's not beef tips!
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Icons Of Filth - Nostradamnedus

Well hello, Livejournal community! It's been a while, but I've been away on a strange and mystical adventure! It was sort of like Indiana Jones, but I was in Romania and I had to travel to various towns fighting monsters, buying all sorts of whips, exploring castles, and finding a few miscellaneous parts and organs of Dracula. The best part was when I found all of the scattered remains of Dracula and he came back to life in the form of a 20-foot vampire! Man, that was a doozy... Anyway, I'm back now, so I thought I'd let everyone know. However, I'm off again on the 4th of March for more zany exploits, this time involving me traveling around Ireland, Scotland, and England collecting beer and putting it into my blood stream. Brilliant.

Finally, for all of you that were wondering...


You are ROTTEN SOUND,you are the future of
grindcore,you murder all in your path with your
insane speed!!Your a grindozer and break bones
with walls of sound!!


What grind band are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Grind on, my Finnish brothers!

Date:	2002-12-27 19:22
Subject:	PARTY
Security:	Public
Mood:	working
Music:	Morbid Angel - Where The Slime Live

The results are in from the party at Soraya's last week, or whenever the hell it was. They are as follows...

"Damn, I didn't realize that eating a whole rat was such a bad idea!" exclaims Soraya, who then immediately burst into flames.



"Well, that's funny - I also played the oboe in middle school," remarked John shortly before being mauled to death by an escaped gorilla from the local zoo.



Most of the partygoers were sitting in the living room at their usual relaxed state, coincidentally facing my NEW Canon Powershot S200 Digital Camera seconds before it went off on its own, taking this remarkable picture. From left to right: Justin "Tito" Grant, Soraya Zaumeyer, Amber Evensen, Ron "Beer Delivery" Barker, Jenny "Chunk" Becker, Emily Joyce, Robb Hohmann, Pat "Something Italian" Something-Italian, Andrea "Justin Grant Fan Club" Wallace, John "Slippery Pete" Barker, and Jamie "Horse Crusher" Stewart. PARTY ON DUDE.

Date:	2002-12-11 01:04
Subject:	CRUSH THEM
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	Bathtub Shitter - Wall Of Worlds Is Words

Hey folks, how are you? My helicopter just landed after a week-long trip to Latvia to promote my new book, "Latvia Totally Sucks And Most People Don't Even Know It Is A Country In The First Place" by Justin Grant. It went over really well. Anyway, my band that is not Cümshotté needs a name again, and no one else will agree to the name "HORSE CRUSHER," so it's back to the drawing board! Any suggestions? And no, we already decided against the name "Turkish Yeti Warriors," so don't bother sending that one in. In other news, I bought a digital camera, which has allowed me to bring important pictures like this to YOU:



So as you can see, it was money well spent. Well, I'm off now. I have to get into my coffin before the sun rises or that horrible monkey will come through the ceiling fan again and force-feed me locusts like last time. That's such bullshit - I hate that bastard monkey. Good night, everyone!

Date:	2002-12-01 16:15
Subject:	Great party, guys...
Security:	Public
Mood:	infuriated
Music:	Leng Tch'e - Graveyard Shift

The party was a disaster. Everyone that got kicked out by the police, that got arrested, or that got in a fight, should thank Helen S. I won't bother explaining all the circumstances here, but you can read my web site if I really want my take on it. All I'll say is that I feel terrible that Andrea is now in the situation of living with a roommate that threatened to "shoot me in the face" and another roommate, who is supposedly my best friend, who doesn't give a shit that she says these things. Thanks pal. Anyway, I want to personally apologize to anyone that I invited to the party, and I'm sorry that such a great party turned into such a childish fucking spectacle. And I want to apologize to Chris for not immediately smashing that kid the second he headbutted him. I only wanted to have a good party, with no violence or drama, but apparently drama is what Helen wants most. Sorry to everyone that came to have a good time, like me, and ended up in such a shitty situation. Ok, back to the real world...

Date:	2002-11-25 22:38
Subject:	\m/ Hellhound \m/
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Blight Takes All

Have you forgotten about the PARTY ON FRIDAY?! I hope not, because it will be the party that wrecks your life. Anyway, I heard about Amber Evensen breaking Whiney McCharge-Presser's spectacles at the Orpheum on Saturday. I would be lying if I said I didn't fully endorse such a tubular display of radicality. Way to kick ass, Amber!

Anyway, I would like everyone to know that tonight I am going to get my entire back tattooed with feudal Japaneses imagery, get a push-perm, buy a black mercedes and some black suits and become a member of the Yakuza. Think about it - I can run all of the area's prostitution, gambling, and drug dealing while still being a tolerated part of Japanese society. So if you see me in a few years an I'm missing a few digits on my left hand, you know why. Well, now that I thought about it, I think I'll just skip the Yakuza thing. I'll just go to Andrea's and watch Hanabi (Fireworks)! 100% Yakuza mayhem written, directed, and starred in by Takeshi "Beat" Kitano! KANPAI!

Date:	2002-11-21 14:46
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	satisfied
Music:	Ulver - Wolf And Passion

--> HELEN SKALA <--

Date:	2002-11-20 21:44
Subject:	OMG!
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	Gorgoroth - Under The Pagan Megalith

Holy mother of fuck is there going to be a killer party next Friday. That's right ladies and non-ladies! There is a mondo tubular fucking party going down at the residence of John Edward Barker, Andrea Beth Wallace, and Helen what's-her-name Skala's house on Friday, the day after national Tofurky day. Or Thanksgiving, whatever. I'm already in the process of making mix CDs with nothing but Merzbow, Masonna, GGGG, and Incapacitants on them. You'll die just from listening to them. Maybe I'll pass on those though. Anyway, about the party - there will be one keg (at least) of low-quality piss swill Coors Light and a fridge full of other toilet brine liquids, so feel free to come over, get plastered, and drive your car into a tree! Aside from that, I'll be making a special guest celebrity appearance and the entire thing is sponsored by Satan. So be there, you filthy Satanist!

Date:	2002-11-14 22:21
Subject:	Fareless Drunker!
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	Lip Cream - Night Rider More Than Fight!

Alright, I'm updating this for the sake of Ron, who will probably explode if I don't update my livejournal. Anyway, here's the deal. Today I decided to write a screenplay about a man who wakes up and realizes that his brain has been replaced with a cat's brain. He's all like, "what the fuck?" but instead he can only say "meow, meow!" So he gets in his car to go to work, but he keeps driving off the road to catch squirrels and stuff and when he gets to work, he gets fired for scratching up the upholstery. At this point, an atomic bomb from Latvia, who has been secretly resenting the United States' presence in North America all these years, lands and kills everyone. It's called "Man With Cat Brain." It's a drama.

So I'm off to Andrea's now to watch some movie about altar boys and to begin my reign of terror over Florida, which I will implement by impaling invaders from Tampa, Clearwater, etc on stakes along the borders of my castle. I mean Andrea's house. Filthy Tampans... OK, C-YA!!!!1

Date:	2002-10-25 07:07
Subject:	Fuck... I'm Sick!
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	A Silver Mount Zion - This Gentle Hearts Like Shot Birds...

I'll bet no one got that subject joke. A little grindcore joke for my adoring fans! Anyway, I am actually fucking sick, I have a stupid fucking fever, a cold, you name it. The best part is that it's 7am and I'm off to work in 45 minutes. Hooray! So I have a temperature of like, 150 or some shit, and I need to go get in the shower. Fuck. I haven't seen Andrea for more than 10 minutes in like 4 days. That's bogus. Tonight we're going to see Punch Drunk Love with Emily, even though I'm fucking deathly ill. I wouldn't miss it for anything. Anyway, I was trying to think of something not serious or accurate to say so that this wouldn't seem like an actual livejournal post, but I can't so GRIND!

Apparently

is how I would kill myself. I like how on that test, there's no option like "I love my life, do not wish to kill myself, and am not a goth loser who identifies with Good Charlotte lyrics and listens to the Smiths while writing lame poetry about death."

Date:	2002-10-19 21:59
Subject:	Hajimemashite! Watashi wa Jusutin Gurantu!
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Cock And Ball Torture - Kamakazi Incest

You Are a Gaijin Tarento!

Ah, the status every gaijin (foreigner) longs to get - that of the gaijin tarento (foreign TV star).

You're Japanese has to be up to snuff, and you've got to be willing to voice your weird political opinions.

If you've got that down, you can be famous in Tokyo.



What's Your Japanese Subculture?

Fucking gaijin, damn. Those crazy Japanese xenophobes! Well, I'm off to eat a whole octopus, sleep on the subway, and masturbate to hentai. Bai bai!!!

Date:	2002-10-19 12:55
Subject:	I care because you do.
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased
Music:	Aphex Twin - I Care Because You Do

I'm @ Andrea's right now about to go get breakfast. Made of babies. Last night was the From Bleeding Hands debut, and despite me fucking every song up due to ridiculous hardware failure, we got a huge turnout and a really good response. If you want to hear what we sound like, just watch MTV2 in 6 months. Anyway, it was a good time.

So after breakfast, I guess I'm going to board my clipper ship that's waiting for me at the harbor and go out to the high seas on a pirate adventure. If anyone wants anything plundered or any parrots or anything, let me know. C-YA! LOLOLOLOL!!!!11

Date:	2002-10-17 15:16
Subject:	A winner is me!
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	Antaeus - Cut Your Flesh And Worship Satan

According to the Weekly Planet, From Bleeding Hands is "this issue's band name of the week winner." Ha ha, whatever. Anyway, for those of you that care.

I was going to work this morning when I glanced in my rear-view mirror and noticed a motorcycle gang of about 11 midgets, all wearing full leather outfits with skulls and flames and shit painted on them. Even though I kept making erratic turns and stops to shake them, they were still on my tail! So now that I was convinced that I was being followed, I pulled over and got out of the car at a gas station. The head midget motorcycle gang leader walked up, swinging a chain that was previously tied to his leather jacket and he was all "so I heard you were lookin' for trouble," and then he spat on the sidewalk next to me. The other gang members started to walk forward, producing various weapons like a lead pipe, switchblades, broken bottles, and more chains. I considered fighting all of them with a barrel that was laying next to me, but then I decided to just say, "no, not really, what gave you that idea?" When I said that, the head midget was like, "oh, I guess we've got the wrong guy, sorry to bother you." So we shook hands and went our seperate ways. I hate work.

Date:	2002-10-15 15:15
Subject:	Stab me in the throat!
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Contrastic - Sex With Four Walls

Well, I got up and heated up some leftovers, and then I spilled some goulash on myself and I was like, "Oh shit! I spilled some goulash on myself!" I guess you had to be there, but maybe not, either way it was pretty funny. I guess you just had to be there, right? Yeah, probably. So anyway, it was funny. You had to be there. I have about 45 minutes to write 10 pages of a screenplay that I'm doing for my motion picture writing class, but guess what? THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY! So anyway, today I plan on going in the bathroom, shaving, taking a shower, putting on my work clothes, brushing my teeth, walking to my car, getting in my car, going to work, getting out of my car, walking into work, clocking in, knocking on the door of the pharmacy so someone will let me in, setting my CDs down by the computer, working for 5 hours, leaving, clocking out, getting into my car, and going home, where I will then exit my car and walk back into my house. Then I will set myself on fire. Or go to band practice. Whatever. God bless livejournal! And America!

Date:	2002-10-14 23:25
Subject:	Pseudo-artsy clever subject
Security:	Public
Mood:	mischievous
Music:	Wolfpack - Counter Pain

Somehow I posted the same thing twice. Whatever. Anyway, I went to Andrea's, watched Haiku Tunnel, and then we traveled back in time so that I could edit this entry. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Date:	2002-10-14 23:19
Subject:	Whoa!
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated
Music:	Haemmorhage - Dawn In The Rotting Paradise

Yeah, that's right, a livejournal. Let's get down to business, shall we? Today, I woke up at 4am, locked myself in the basement and proceeded to paint 72 pentagrams on the ceiling. After that, I filled a bathtub with Silk mocha soymilk and soaked in it for 16 hours. After that, I went to work. It sucked pretty bad, so when I got home, I injected crystal meth directly into my lungs and updated my livejournal. Now I'm going to Andrea's to drink Beast and possibly snort some rails off of hookers' tits. My livejournal looks like Andrea's, but all that will change. G'night!

Also:


Which Metal Genre Are You?






Fuckin' right!